Departure

I'm writing this at 2:30 Monday morning, though I won't be able to post it until some time later as I don't have internet in my room here at Shakespeare and Company. This is my last night in this room. When I go downstairs at 7 it will be my last breakfast with all the people I've gotten to know over this past month. And then at 9 people will start leaving, going away to Canada and Colorado and India and New Zealand, places so far away and I feel myself aching at that thought. In some ways it feels like I've been here a few days, and in other ways I feel like I've been here a lifetime. It seems like it ought to take a lifetime to get to know so many people so well. I was shocked that I knew the name of all 40 participants within 2 days, but when you are introduced to a new person by staring into their eyes in the morning and watching that person's defense mechanisms slowly, thoroughly, but always with the utmost respect and love, get taken apart bit by bit in the evening, it is no wonder that I could put a name to every face so quickly.

We had a discussion the other night called "Theatre, Therapy and Theology" in which they were very keen to discuss the difference between what we've been doing this month and therapy. In therapy, you're working to find your issues and make them better. Here, issues are identified because so often we as people throw up defenses and roadblocks to protect ourselves because of our histories and our problems, and for an actor, if these defenses go unnoticed or unchanged, it prevents the ability to truly connect emotionally to your text, your scene, or your partner. But it's not about fixing these problems, it's about recognizing them and understanding how they help or hurt one's work as an artist. I have found things about myself that have thwarted me for years on stage, and I've allowed emotions that I've long suppressed rise to the surface and erupt through the words of William Shakespeare, and even though this hasn't been therapy, it has been immensely cathartic. And in the traditional sense of theatre, that catharsis is sort of what it's all about.

We are storytellers. We tell the stories of kings and bastards and villains and heroes because whatever they are, they are human. We all have the potential to be a lover. We all have it in us to be a murderer. What I've learned here is that it's truly the actor's job to find those places in themselves- to find the lover and the murderer both, and to tell that story. It is our job to resonate with an audience, to help them to find those things within themselves, because maybe if everyone can find the lover in themselves, they'll be more likely to love. If everyone can see their capacity for violence, they won't assume that all murderers are some diseased "other" and there will be a greater understanding of the nature of this darker side in all of us.

The story I got to tell yesterday was the story of a Shrew and a witty, albeit crude, Wooer. I got to tell this story with a brilliant actor, and we shared an honesty on stage that I've never experienced before in any performance I've done. It was incredible and frightening and exciting to go out on stage carrying the betrayal of a father, and with every intention of cutting someone down, to find that scathing capacity within myself and then find the attraction and thrill and arousal and love that came along. It was amazing to look into the eyes of my scene partner and see that same thrill reflected back, a genuine thrill that was not just Petruchio, but Scot as well, as I'm sure the excitement in my eyes was not just Kate, but Erin.

And for me, the best part of it all was that I just had fun. We began our scene, as all the participants did, by looking out at the audience silently, breathing them in and making eye contact, and as I looked at the audience I didn't think, 'These people are judging me', or 'What if I screw up?' I just looked at them, and then back at my partner and I was just excited to share the story.

This month has been incredible. I have learned so much about Shakespeare, acting, theatre and myself. A friend of mine took a picture of me last night and showed it to me and I didn't recognize myself- there was a lightness to me that I don't think I've had for many years. I feel like I've changed so much this month, for the better, and for that I am eternally grateful. I have met some of the most incredible people and I will carry them in my heart for the rest of my life. And I intend to carry the spirit of this place with me wherever I go from now on.

Week 3

So I foolishly thought I'd have time to keep up with a blog consistently...

This week was a roller coaster ride. Towards the end of last week I had a rough evening following a sonnet class. In typical Erin fashion, I went up to do my sonnet, assumed I was awful despite assurance to the contrary, and proceeded to beat myself up to the point of getting panicky. But I felt better, had my day off and I was alright. Then I had my next sonnet class and I just started getting anxious even though I didn't rehearse that session. I started worrying that when I did go up it would be awful and I'd never achieve the goal I'd set out for myself. It was the sort of panic I used to have when I was younger and my hypochondria was really acting up. For all intents and purposes I didn't sleep for 2 days because of it. Ironically, I chose my sonnet because I felt I could relate because of my issues with insomnia. For the sake of reference, my sonnet is as follows:

Sonnet 27

Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed
The dear repose for limbs with travel tired.
But then begins a journey in my head
To work my mind when body's work's expired.
For then my thoughts, from far where I abide
Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee
And keep my drooping eyelids open wide
Looking on darkness which the blind do see
Save that my soul's imaginary sight
Presents thy shadow to my sightless view
Which like a jewel hung in ghastly night
Makes black night beauteous, and her old face new
Lo, thus by day my limbs, by night my mind
For thee, and for myself, no quiet find.


When I first tried to do this sonnet, I was directed to really let lose the rage on the person who kept me awake, and I just couldn't relate. But after 2 sleepless nights of anxiety, fretting over my desire for perfection, I realized that that is what I should be railing at. I went back to sonnet class and after some direction I let rip and just let out all the anger I have through mysonnet about how I always hold myself to impossible standards. I then proceeded to drop to my knees and sob in front of my class.

I spoke with Dennis, the head of the workshop, and he said something to me that I will remember until the day I die: "You are the sum of your life experiences. There is no reason you should be anywhere but where you are right now. Perfection is boring. We don't want to see perfection. We want to see you with all your imbalances and imperfections."

I had another rough night of sleep after that, but everyone was so incredibly helpful - people gave me homeopathic sleep aids, my scene partner gave me a massage before I went to sleep (which, interesting factoid for folks who know me well: it was a foot massage. I've gotten over my foot fear being here. Still don't want feet on my face though...), and my voice teacher lent me his laptop so that I could listen to a relaxation guided meditation while I slept, which I listened to with special sleep headphones that another friend lent me. Everyone was so incredibly kind and helpful. It was wonderful.

As the week went on, I really allowed myself to just enjoy my rehearsals instead of fretting about whether or not I'd do well and we had AMAZING breakthroughs on our scene. It was incredible. I know that I'm not entirely over my desire for perfection, but if nothing else I'm really aware of just how detrimental it is to me.

I have one more week left and I'm refusing to think about leaving. I've loved this experience so much, even though I've had moments where I thought I couldn't stick it out. That being said, I do miss you all and I'm looking forward to coming home to everyone. I'll probably make another post or two before I go and I'm going to have to snag photos from other people because my camera broke :(

See you all soon,

Erin

TRUST AND ENJOY THE PROCESS

I'm going to write up a journal entry that I wrote at the end of the other day, an entry entitled, "My commitment to myself in the coming week":

"My commitment to myself in the coming week is to trust and enjoy the process. I found myself expecting at the end of basics that I would be this phenomenal, emotion harnessing actor ready to conquer this business we call show. I became so frustrated and disappointed in myself that I set up roadblocks and I think I stunted some of the discoveries I could have made because I was trying so hard to be perfect. I have to stop trying to be perfect and start trying to just be here, be open, and find the joy in the discovery of learning as opposed to a sense of failure because I haven't reached the finish line at the very beginning. It's not just learning patience, it's learning to trust that I will, in fact, get there with time."

I have always struggled with this. I become angry and frustrated with myself when I don't instantly understand things. I don't trust myself to eventually understand them, I assume it's either now or never. And then I miss out on the entire journey. I assume that if I'm not perfect I won't be well liked or people will assume I'm a failure and write me off. It leads to me being intimidated by my peers and specifically by my instructors. And this sense of fear and shame just throws a wrench in the work that I do.

I don't want to work like that anymore. So my goal, not just for next week, but from here on out, is to just try and accept that I am imperfect, but I'm capable of accomplishing things in time. I'm going to try and just be cool with my journey instead of urging things forward so fast that I miss the sights along the way. As my friend Shelley I met here says: You do your work, you prepare, and then you just have to say, "Fuck it!"

On a final note, I got my scene assignment. I'm going to be working on the wooing scene between Kate and Petruccio from Taming of the Shrew! I'm so incredibly pumped, and the guy I'm working with is this wonderful man named Scott who actually reminds me a lot of Reuben (my awesome brother in law), so I imagine he'll be so much fun to work with. I'm likely going to get to do some work with fight choreography for this scene too, which is really exciting!

We started working the scene today and it was such an amazing process! I wasn't judging myself and I was really open to my scene partner and he with me. I'm just so elated! And we did stage violence class tonight and it was so great!!!

Love you all, miss you all!

Roller Coaster

This whole thing has been such a roller coaster of emotions and experiences - I feel up and down and happy and miserable and confident and ashamed...but it's all been worth it. I've met such incredible people who are so strong and so brave and so incredibly driven and talented. It's astounding and inspiring. I've learned so much, such pivotal things that are so fundamental to all of this.

I love you all, I miss you all. I'm planning on taking some pictures on my day off, so hopefully I'll be able to post a few soon. Oh crap, nevermind, I forgot my camera cord that would let me upload them...alright, just imagine snow covered fields, great big rooms with high windows that let in the sunlight and create warm patches on the floor, and me in workout pants and leg warmers.

Now try getting that last image out of your head. Good luck.