TRUST AND ENJOY THE PROCESS

I'm going to write up a journal entry that I wrote at the end of the other day, an entry entitled, "My commitment to myself in the coming week":

"My commitment to myself in the coming week is to trust and enjoy the process. I found myself expecting at the end of basics that I would be this phenomenal, emotion harnessing actor ready to conquer this business we call show. I became so frustrated and disappointed in myself that I set up roadblocks and I think I stunted some of the discoveries I could have made because I was trying so hard to be perfect. I have to stop trying to be perfect and start trying to just be here, be open, and find the joy in the discovery of learning as opposed to a sense of failure because I haven't reached the finish line at the very beginning. It's not just learning patience, it's learning to trust that I will, in fact, get there with time."

I have always struggled with this. I become angry and frustrated with myself when I don't instantly understand things. I don't trust myself to eventually understand them, I assume it's either now or never. And then I miss out on the entire journey. I assume that if I'm not perfect I won't be well liked or people will assume I'm a failure and write me off. It leads to me being intimidated by my peers and specifically by my instructors. And this sense of fear and shame just throws a wrench in the work that I do.

I don't want to work like that anymore. So my goal, not just for next week, but from here on out, is to just try and accept that I am imperfect, but I'm capable of accomplishing things in time. I'm going to try and just be cool with my journey instead of urging things forward so fast that I miss the sights along the way. As my friend Shelley I met here says: You do your work, you prepare, and then you just have to say, "Fuck it!"

On a final note, I got my scene assignment. I'm going to be working on the wooing scene between Kate and Petruccio from Taming of the Shrew! I'm so incredibly pumped, and the guy I'm working with is this wonderful man named Scott who actually reminds me a lot of Reuben (my awesome brother in law), so I imagine he'll be so much fun to work with. I'm likely going to get to do some work with fight choreography for this scene too, which is really exciting!

We started working the scene today and it was such an amazing process! I wasn't judging myself and I was really open to my scene partner and he with me. I'm just so elated! And we did stage violence class tonight and it was so great!!!

Love you all, miss you all!