Week 3

So I foolishly thought I'd have time to keep up with a blog consistently...

This week was a roller coaster ride. Towards the end of last week I had a rough evening following a sonnet class. In typical Erin fashion, I went up to do my sonnet, assumed I was awful despite assurance to the contrary, and proceeded to beat myself up to the point of getting panicky. But I felt better, had my day off and I was alright. Then I had my next sonnet class and I just started getting anxious even though I didn't rehearse that session. I started worrying that when I did go up it would be awful and I'd never achieve the goal I'd set out for myself. It was the sort of panic I used to have when I was younger and my hypochondria was really acting up. For all intents and purposes I didn't sleep for 2 days because of it. Ironically, I chose my sonnet because I felt I could relate because of my issues with insomnia. For the sake of reference, my sonnet is as follows:

Sonnet 27

Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed
The dear repose for limbs with travel tired.
But then begins a journey in my head
To work my mind when body's work's expired.
For then my thoughts, from far where I abide
Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee
And keep my drooping eyelids open wide
Looking on darkness which the blind do see
Save that my soul's imaginary sight
Presents thy shadow to my sightless view
Which like a jewel hung in ghastly night
Makes black night beauteous, and her old face new
Lo, thus by day my limbs, by night my mind
For thee, and for myself, no quiet find.


When I first tried to do this sonnet, I was directed to really let lose the rage on the person who kept me awake, and I just couldn't relate. But after 2 sleepless nights of anxiety, fretting over my desire for perfection, I realized that that is what I should be railing at. I went back to sonnet class and after some direction I let rip and just let out all the anger I have through mysonnet about how I always hold myself to impossible standards. I then proceeded to drop to my knees and sob in front of my class.

I spoke with Dennis, the head of the workshop, and he said something to me that I will remember until the day I die: "You are the sum of your life experiences. There is no reason you should be anywhere but where you are right now. Perfection is boring. We don't want to see perfection. We want to see you with all your imbalances and imperfections."

I had another rough night of sleep after that, but everyone was so incredibly helpful - people gave me homeopathic sleep aids, my scene partner gave me a massage before I went to sleep (which, interesting factoid for folks who know me well: it was a foot massage. I've gotten over my foot fear being here. Still don't want feet on my face though...), and my voice teacher lent me his laptop so that I could listen to a relaxation guided meditation while I slept, which I listened to with special sleep headphones that another friend lent me. Everyone was so incredibly kind and helpful. It was wonderful.

As the week went on, I really allowed myself to just enjoy my rehearsals instead of fretting about whether or not I'd do well and we had AMAZING breakthroughs on our scene. It was incredible. I know that I'm not entirely over my desire for perfection, but if nothing else I'm really aware of just how detrimental it is to me.

I have one more week left and I'm refusing to think about leaving. I've loved this experience so much, even though I've had moments where I thought I couldn't stick it out. That being said, I do miss you all and I'm looking forward to coming home to everyone. I'll probably make another post or two before I go and I'm going to have to snag photos from other people because my camera broke :(

See you all soon,

Erin